The Same Old Ugly Clouds of This Year

It's a tough year for me, on a personal level. Also a very exciting year. Old friends came out of the woodwork, much to my joy. I went on research field trips with one of my best friends from college, E., someone in whose hands I could entrust my whole life. We reconnected at a presentation of the Conservation School in Klagenfurt, held in Cluj, our college town, where E. always lived and worked. I haven´t seen her in almost eight years.
She was the only one I could really talk to about my personal ordeal. Not much, though. A few very concise phrases. That's me. And she is very private, too. But I could feel she genuinely cared. This kind of gut feeling never left me. It was only obscured temporarily.
My life is starting to find balance, and I actually greatly enjoy being single. maybe more than I am willing to admit. One of my friends here, painter and playwright larger than life F., told my I came out of this ordeal outstandingly well. Meaning my self-esteem is intact. But I still find myself in deep emotional pain out of the blue, now and then. Bereavement is a long process, longer than I have patience for. Still, let´s never forget: PANTA RHEI. The picture might be misleading, but around the same old ugly clouds of this year, there is definitely a silver lining... And I have always, always been able to find it.
Zal─âu, Septermber 2006


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